jubilee =D

The morning revival for these past 2 weeks have been "The Jubilee". Yet, ironically, people are going through the hardest, and the most difficult times. Yes, that's right. Outwardly, it's really a disaster. Our outward situation will just be the way it horribly has been, or even,.. worse! (: But i so enjoyed that we have another realm we can immediately enter into, and it's a matter of whether we're willing or not.
Past weeks I've been very stubborn, very bitter, very miserable, very opinionated, and really strong in self.
1) Wanted the photojournalism internship, but got into the New Media department.
2) and just many other little things that didn't happen.
but then, again, as i mused upon my bitterness, i realized i haven't asked myself ..
WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE.
and then when i look back, i realized maybe he purposed something else in my other internship.
aparently, a dear brother and yongjae are both in this department.
even though i really just want to be in Photojournalism and heck about other, but i realized that these few weeks of training has made me closer to my friends in a very normal and appropriate way. The world of journalism is very complicated and very 'wordly'. And I am VERY glad, VERY very glad, to have this brother in this with me cus it brings me back to the Lord when I get too into my work. (knw wht i mean? it's like.. you feel comforted)
Then, yongjae. I just hope through this, the brother might be able to help me bring yongjae into the churchlife. And, through this opportunity, Yongjae and I developed a real friendship. It's not like those friendship in quotation marks, but i really meant, friendship.
I care for yongjae in a way God cares for him, and I really want him to know the Lord.
(:

oh lord. just so exposed.
all these while i've been focusing on WHAT HE HAS NOT DONE IN and FOR ME.
but what about WHAT HE HAS DONE.

O how shallow i've been.
indeed.

Today, i just had the best time releasing the Christ prisoned inside of me.
I wanted to break from my cycle of poverty, and enter into the RICHES OF CHRIST!
Enter into that land flowing with milk and honey.
O Lord Jesus!! O Lord Jesus. OH LORD JESUS. How we need to really CALL OH LORD JESUS.
LORD SAVE US.
Save us from the bondages of this world, particularly our anxiety.

I never really realize what a sinner I was, until I realized again, today, that Anxiety itself, is a sin.
What a wretched man I am, a terrible sinner.
OH LORD HOW WE NEED YOUR DYNAMIC SALVATION.
seriously.
Don't we all sin? Aren't we all terrible sinners?
Sinning all the time as we start getting anxious over one thing and another.
Oh Lord.
Brother Dick said ".. a new pimple" (HAHA)
and yea, that's right. we humans are anxious over EVERYTHING.

school, work, family, friends, health, resume, future, finance, world situation, election, ...

indeed, just everything else. we are worry freaks! hahar.
Oh lord forgive us.

Today, one thing i really enjoyed is that His WILL for us, is for us to
1) always rejoice
2) unceasingly pray
3) in everything give thanks

amen. Oh Lord Jesuuuusssss. OH LORD JESUS! We Love You.
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Lord Jesus. dear friends. i've been bothered by something recently.
i think im growing feelings for somebody, but i need you to pray for me (:
cus i don't want to dwell in this emotion if he is not the one.
know what i mean? )':
and plus, i don't see him at all, except randomly.
but in those random times that we met, it was really so heart-melting.
maybe it's just me. you know how i melt for nice people, so easily xD
haha. no brainers. lol. well, for brothers, though..
cus you know how i always hold a special room for brothers (:
because they are those separated from the world, loving the Lord, going through the same Christian Fever as I am, experiencing the cleansing of leprosy, and the healing of our sight.
Oh whee~~! What vision so in unison.
How can I not fall for a brother if he's so good to me?
How can you not fall for the Lord when he's just oh so good to you? (:
hee.
Nothing is happening now. But what's happening IS that I,.. I dwell in this thought.
It's not .. okay ):
I do not want to be in this position. at all.
because it's so tiring,.. like how "I live my life ON his text, ON his call, ON his response"
(not like i'm living like that now, cus there's NOTHING going on) haha.
cus again, it's just.. random times.
so.. in a nutshell,
i'm living on OUR random times.

everyday waiting for a 'Random' is really hard, dude.
xP

so, if you remember me sometimes, just mention me in your prayers yea? (=
i love you all.
thank you!

why am i still blogging?

350am -- 刚刚写完作文. Oh My 天.

i'm so sleep deprived )':

sob

sob

sob

sob

sob

sob

sob

SCHEDULE FOR TMR
class at 9am- 1pm
tutoring at 3-5pm
club meeting at 530-7pm

today was the craziest day of this week so far.
(had 听写 and psych midterm)
class from 830am -2pm
tutoring 230-5pm
ucla newspaper board meeting 8-9pm
做作文: rest of the time

weak in my knees

cindy 真的需要知足..

my weakness is that i get upset really easily.
maybe i shouldn't be so sensitive.
maybe i should deal with myself.
maybe it's totally my problem.
but why do i feel i'm always led on?

1) when people say 'will call you back', but never did.
2) when people say 'i love you', 'i care for you', 'i will do anything for you', but when you just want them to listen, they don't, but they scoffed. they say all these sweet somethings and you really think they genuinely care for you but it's all BULL S*IT! it's all BS.
they say all these nice things but it's never meant to work in reality.
really.
maybe because you know me, know that im emotional, so maybe you think im being overly sensitive, but really. really.. really. please trust me that i'm not making things up. but these people who said words of sweet nothings do exist. and this happens to me, alot.
i don't want to remember all the bad things. because if i do, i can never ever open up to them.
but one very very simple example recently.
i burnt my hands really badly and she asked me wht's wrong?
and i told her i burnt my hands and that they're still prickling.
she was like "awwwwww. poor cindy."
"how?"
" blah blah boiling soup-bowl-holding bowl-hecka hot-didn't let go-spilled-then put on table"
then, ..THEN,
"did you burn the table?"

er.

yarh. call me sensitive.
but after that, the conversation ends.

sigh. that's why. that's why i would rather people not tell me they love me care for me and all that when they don't justify their words with actions.
i seriously don't require HUGE actions.
but its just.. simple things. its the simple thingss. IT REALLY IS.

another incident:
"Cindyyyyyyy! it will be very different w/o you. please commmeeeee"
好不容易, 我終于去了.
but the whole time i was left alone.
i really don't understand.
i'm just so frustrated with myself why i can't be more ROCK-HEART. really.
and i can't really tell anyone in person, or have a shoulder to cry on, literally, cus no one in LA understands. everybody's relationship to me is just that Candy-coated sweetness. But there isn't any reality.
The people that ended up comforting me are those further away.

I can't live everyday in this superciality.
Isn't there anyone, really?

sigh.

Because of my situation, i am so much more vulnerable in terms of guys.
Recently I have been so good with myself, keeping myself very into school and work and school and work and school and internships. 'busy' is the word.
everyday i have a crazy schedule to follow.
was very very content with my life. just want to be away from 'GUYs' and what comes with it.
i know my weakness and i don't want to fall for someone who's not whom im supposed to fall for.
i don't want to depend on a phone call or a text message or a lunch time to be happy.
i don't want to wait for a stupid-never-to-come call/text msg/lunch/dinner.
i don't want to live the way i did before, waiting foolishly.
blinded.
no more.
i want to live my own life.
i see how sisters and friends cry their eyes out for a Guy, and i really don't want to be in that position.
i've cried too much for people (Girls and Guys) who led me on.
i want to look away from 'G' until it is the right time for me to start something.
cus if i were to fight it, fight against what's predestined, i will get nothing by defeat, and pain.

yes, so i was very content with how my life goes.
cus i no longer have adrenaline rushes for anyone, and i have no strings attached with anyone.

but.
but. satan knows his stuffs.

if he send a brother to me, i would fall.

am i that weak?

yes.

a brother who asked me "are you cold?"
a brother who was so excited and said "yay! i got cindy's # now! i got cindy's # now!"
and he who got my msn said he would add me that night.
and he who would take initiative to offer to carry my books,
and he who persuaded me not to walk home at night alone because he didn't want to lose a sister,
that he would walk me instead.

i would fall.
not fall in love, but just .. he got my attention now.

but how genuine is a person?
only the Lord knows.
and i know these kind of brothers are the best in making millions of sisters fall for him but it's all..just his sweet talking. I know many like that. And it's always best to double your armor to these kinds of brothers.

i don't want to be stupid and fall for all these words of sweet nothings.
(even though that brother supported his words with actions)
but yar. Guard my Heart is what i should do.

title here.

those are not in my application portfolio, but i would like to share them with youuu! (:

so pretty right (: hahar.

anws! have you ever met someone exactly like you? or someone just like you in so many ways?

well, i think i've come to know of someone who's so like me in 'bubbliness' and 'corniness' lol.

but i wonder whether is it opposites who attract? or birds of the same feather flock together?

weird.

i don't know this person personally, but through friends' talking.

and he? i don't see how he would know me, so let's stick to 'he doesn't know me'.

hahar.

why do i make it sound like he MAY know me? LOL.

dude.

ANWS. just cus ive heard so much about him. it makes me so curious.

and friends just tell me how we will definitely hit it off well as good friends. hahar.

cus we're 'dumb' that wayy. and just really.. ourselves. hahar.

AWW. but yea.

enough of that. it's just very funny cus i saw him few days ago.

AND-KNEE-WAYS..

yongjae's birthday was last week, and i was shocked that he didn't blow his bday candle yet when i texted him after small group. (at 1015pm)

and i felt so DANG for him though.

so i went to Ralphs and bought a birthday balloon with a transparent container attached to its bottom and put a cupcake inside with its candles and made a happy birthday poster with the instructions of what to do with the things i gave him.

basically, cus Ralphs didn't sell matchsticks, i have to buy yellow paper and cut them into flames and tape it to the candles to make it .. 'flames', for him to blow.

so i wrote a huge poster of 'happy birthday yongjae' and below i wrote the instructions:

-1:

0: light the candles

1: wish yourself a happy birthday

2: sing yourself a birthday song

3: make 3 wishes

4: blow the candles

5: eat the 'cake' and disgest them

6: smile, and.. smile broader.

7: resume what you're doing.

the instructions goes something like that.

lol.

so i left those at his door at 11:50pm and just text messaged him to come out. LOL.

and so.. that was his happy birthday (:

AM I SO SWEET! gosh. hahar.

beyond a smile

how do you like this picture? (:

for some reason, i just love it love it love it.

the composition of it, the contrast, the reflection, the shade, the content and subject (=

this was one of the photos i include in my application portfolio.

during the interview, the photo editors asked me to select my best 5 out of my 20.

this picture was my top5/6.

you are wondering what's my first pick, aren't you? hahar.

it's the photo of me in a black dress in vancouver granville island.

that was a masterpiece, totally.

then the next 2 are my 'lampstands' shot.

i will consider on uploading them here.

and the other one is the ballerina shot.

(:

amen that the interview went so well, i am so happy beyond a smile.

results will be posted on thursday in front of their office.

just keep praying lo!

and i really THANK all YOU beloved saints and friends for helping me go through this.

this means so much to me.

yea. .

#2

MY LOVELY DEBORA! THANK YOU FOR CALLING ME. LOL.
i was seriously going to post a blog ESPECIALLY asking you to call me =)
hahar. that was why i was amazed to how you know.
AND-KNEE-WAYS, ..

ice was asking me what's wrong, and she told me people around our age (20) can only be troubled by 2 things: 1) Relationships (all kinds) and 2) Failure.
LOL. it's SO TRUE ok. hahar. well, this time for me, is #2 #2 #2!!! OH LORD!
one of my friend told me not to want something too badly/to hold onto something so tightly.
because that way it increases the chance of losing it.
well, you know, we hear all the time 'the fastest way to lose sth is to want it so badly'.

my day today was such a close call. almost lost the chance of turning in my application.
then the rest of the day i was just holding onto my tiny samsung phone, constantly sliding it to check of missed calls. yes, missed calls from the photojournalism department wishing me congratulations you're scheduled for an interview! ='(
but no eh..
没有.

well, there's always email. and i kept logging onto my ucla mail, refreshing my inbox like never before. but same thing, nothing.

WELL, there's always tomorrow, right? (:

life.
just when i found something i am SO PASSIONATE about, it's ... like.. so out of reach =P
wait till i tell you what happened today.
sigh! hahar.

but anyways. today i met someone i never expect to meet. just cus we weren't meant to know each other. hahar. but oh wells.
i wonder whether i will have a second time.


(;

7 things for today

#1 I LOVE THIS SONG.
I want Nobody nobody but you..
Nandareun sarameun shi-reo niga animyeon shi-reo ~~!!

#2 PHOTOGRAPHY PHOTOGRAPHY PHOTOGRAPHY!
I got to get the Photojournalism Internship!!
=)
You probably already heard it from me like, A LOT. cus, I REALLY WANT IT.
This photography thing is driving my life these days.
yea. LORD! I'm sorry.

#3 SO EXCITED to start my babysitting job next week!
US$13 (: Need to save $$ for crisis period.

#4 NOT excited for high-school tutoring.. zzz*

#5 UCLA Ling club, "Bling" was a success today! yay (:

#6 Love my Chinese 101 class.
I MISS CHINESE!! xD

#7 My mind's still all on that Photography Internship.
7.1 I dreamt of nicholas yesterday )':
I must really miss my days as a childcare teacher..
Awww NICHOLASSS!! I MISS YOU SO MUCHHHIEEE!
7.2 Photography